Bits and pieces.

Away on nimble-tipped wings, always poised but ruffling every individual's feathers- oh time, how fast have you flown away? 2015 felt like a capsule of emotions dropped into a cocktail of events, and it passed so fast as well. I am 22 now, and engaged to be married to a wonderful man- wow, this is really happening then. It was just yesterday that I was a short haired girl standing at the crossroads, obsessing over whether I would grow my hair out, lose weight, achieve anything to be called worthy in life and of course- whether I would find 'the One'. Somehow, so much has changed over the past few months and that is what I want to document here. In all my earnestness and battling this sudden crippling sensation while writing, I present this jumbled account of what 2015 taught and brought to me:

1. Bad things always come to an end. I breathe anxiety when stressed out, and I become one giant frowning emoticon. But whenever I am caught in a shit storm, it makes me depend on nobody but myself. I have come to the realization that I am my own saviour (cue an angelic sweep on the lyre and a golden halo above my head), and I can choose to either mope or cope. It is okay to cry and throw a pen (or a refrigerator, in case you wanna switch things up) at the wall, but to only wallow in pain? At the end of the day, Time reforms to become a mean-girl-to-non-mean-girl (?) Cady Heron and cries Phoenix tears on your wounds. One such small experience I had was when I did a ramp walk at my previous office. I always wanted to be one of those models who would swing their hips and sashay confidently, while the audience looked at them in awe. But when I attempted the ramp walk, I apparently made for a comic sight (as recounted by a friend). I was very upset to have heard some members of the audience titter when I had done the ramp walk, and I did mope for a bit. I was embarassed at the thought of meeting these people at work the next day, but the jokes never came forth. It was all back to normal, and it was just another experience for me, But on a more serious note, a friend of mine told me some very comforting words recently- "You have the choice of always beginning again, of wiping the slate clean." It holds so much truth in it, because bad times are temporary. It is okay to immerse yourself in the pain it brings, but you also have to haul yourself up and face the world even before you are ready. Because the moment you step into the spotlight, you have no choice but to let the sun beams radiate. And soon, you become whole again. Much like Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco! (Sorry for the Mean Girls references, and thanks for not chasing me with a 1000-wala firecracker bomb.)

2. Do it, even if it scares you. This word, It, holds whole worlds within. To me, It meant getting a tattoo. I was piss-in-my-skinny-jeans scared of getting inked, but I went ahead. I did It because I wanted a belief of mine to be etched into my skin and remind me to never fall so far down the rabbit hole. (PS: It is a tat of a phoenix, symbolizing strength and resurrection.) If It to you means getting a septum piercing, pulling off a crop top with tiny shorts or singing to a large audience, pull out all stops. Even if they laugh at you, laugh harder than they did. Now that's downright sportive of you, and confusing to them. (If you can't win over them, become one of them)

But please do not pay heed to what I said if it requires you to commit murder, suicide or rob a bank. And watching all the Final Destination movies together- that shit be cray cray.

My tattoo, on the nape of my neck.

3. Appearances do matter, but like, 50%. I wish I could stroke every teenager's hair gently and tell them that only inner beauty matters. But I do not believe that myself, and this has nothing to do with the "EVERYTHING IS PHOTOSHOPPED AGDXGBZHM" line being parroted. During my teenage years and a little beyond, I was an overweight girl who was in denial of how she looked. I would binge eat a lot and form resolves to exercise every week, abandoned when I thought of putting on my sports shoes and facing the world. But I did start at some point in 2013, and there has been no looking back since. I now look like half of me just broke off of my own physique and ran away into the sunset, while the other half blinks like a ramp model who has forgotten her routine on stage. I am in no way implying that I look like a model, it was a very crap joke I tried to illustrate my point. Okay, I quit the rambling and tell you straight- I love my body now. I still do battle issues with the way I look, droning on about how I wish I could stop loving junk food and become one of those Instagram babes with flat stomachs. But I also celebrate how far I have come from the start of that weight loss journey- clocking in a loss of 20+ kilograms and going from a US Size 16 to Size 4. (Bragging much?) But the truth is, I got barrel loads of self confidence only after that drastic transformation in my physique. And most individuals tend to feel the same, as I see from trending hashtags like #transformationtuesday and make up diaries. To anyone who says weight loss and/or wearing make up to enhance your looks are superficial, I have a picture to convey what I want to say:

Source: Pinterest

Remember, your "on fleek" look can never outshine your amazing sketches, your awesome-sauce karaoke sessions or pani-puri thulping abilities! 

4. Good things eventually happen. I remember how I whined to my family last year about how I would never find anyone to call my own. I wanted the cringe-worthy romance, sweet nothings and promises of how amazing it would be to be with someone I would never get bored of. It finally happened after a spate of self -doubting, and like a cliched rom-com protagonist, I declare: "Once he came into my life, everything changed for the better." If he is reading this (which he must have done, like a gazillion times, I am sure), he knows how much of a better individual I have grown into becoming now. And let us not limit good things to just finding your other half. I also have good things happening to me such as fitting into cute clothes, being able to splurge on whatever I wish to buy and discovering aspects of myself slowly, like the setting of the orange sunrise in the horizon. I am also going through some other mental turmoil as I type right now, and it has been testing one other individual as well. But we both know that after the storm, cometh the calm. (Wait, why did I even Shakespeare) And good things are just, just around the corner.

5. To each, their own. And finally, this is something I have been wanting to talk about for a while now. This has to do with how judgmental we have all become. Each person has their own beliefs, routines and tastes. (Duh, Einstein) But to fuss over someone else whose ideologies do not match up to ours and crib about it- what is even the point? Every individual is entitled to making decisions that benefit them without being subjected to emotional dressing-downs, as long as they do not harm another individual's life. In respect to my life, I specifically talk now about how some people in my life are asking me the question, "Why are you getting married so early?" While I appreciate their concern about whether I have taken a major decision after thinking through it soundly, I also do not like how it carries an undertone of disdain. To some, marriage seems appropriate after they clock in 25 plus in years. And some do not wish to marry at all. And there are individuals like me who wish to marry young. While society at large lauds these individuals who marry a little later or choose to remain as bachelors as "achievers", those who marry young are chuckled at and told in a conspirational whisper, "Escaping uhhh". What even. As long as my marrying someone at the age of 22 does not threaten your very living, you can respect my decision- like I respect and do not try to change your opinion on marriage. (You here addresses the people who asked me that very thoughtful question) And if you are extremely nice to me, you might just find extra sweets on your banana leaf during my marriage. 

And with this, I usher in 2016 very late. Here's hoping that I do not grow fat from all that sitting on my bum, and all of you happiness the equivalent of a sugar rush!